fredag 18 maj 2012

In my Fathers House...

After a long journey passing through Americas paranoid checkpoints loosing my toothpaste and being overcharged for my bags, swimming in the collective soup of airport people I find myself in my fathers house.
TSA my toothpaste is not a bomb! Its just a natural toothpaste!
I was blessed to get a seat in the aisle next to a man I could carry a substantial conversations with, so that really lifted my mood. Maybe its only me but I cant hold my self back from feeling crazy in a crowded airport,...maybe an end of the world judgment day would be so bad after all.
Wiping this crazy planet clean, like a serious detox.

It is great to be here and to be a guest in my fathers house. We are evolving our relationship and getting to know each other attempting an organic effort to catch up all the lost years. Family is important and I can see that many of us, including myself of course have a lot to learn from this relationships.
The lack of engagement or connection we have with our parents is often how we recreate our own close relationships in life. I had a dream as a kid to be guided through life and that and elder would take me under his wings and shows me the inns and outs of the life experience. Being an apprentice for someone, in a profession, in life or son to a father but those cards never played out like that for me and it brought me much heartache.

My own journey, seeking, adventuring became my rite of passage, and I became and apprentice for life through trial and error, practicing being my own guiding hand. There were beloved characters along the way, but I never were able to find that reliable bond that I had wished for. There was of course and is still valuable relationships along the the way that have brought me much wisdom and joy but Iam talking about that kind of stuff you see in the movies. The yoda, obi one kenobi kind of deal, but I guess that belongs to the movies.

My life would be fulfilled if I could play that role for someone, the role that I wished someone would have played for me. The guiding nourishing hand that is there rooted in a character with both presence and powerful words to there disposal. The mentor figur.

Its hard to do that whole mentoring by yourself kind of deal.
There is also always a pain of absence if your parents cant hold or play that role or may not even be interested. I grief for all lost sons out there and daughters that in the lack of this valuable resource have gone many miles barefooted through snow and desert. Its a hard journey and many people are unfortunately in that position, Discovering who you are without this relationships as a healthy base that you always can seek refuge in and communion with can leave one stranded seeking diamonds in the sand.
Without any mentoring, ones own potential are many times compromised by the long journey of doubtfulness and so forth that is created in the absence of that foundation.
Detours and a lot of time is lost digging through the trenches.

Of course with every wounds also comes a blessing and that which was not there can serve to bring a need to find and build from within in the long haul.
What has been lost are many times not found until we discover parts of ourselves effected by its losses.

We may have learned to live all our lives operating from our unhealed dynamics, and dysfunctional states since that is all we know. For some reason, that we have to discover on our own ,our cards were dealt in that certain way. Avoiding responsibility and self acceptance no matter how rough the road and the conditions may be will only lead to more suffering.

Iam here at my fathers house, in his domain and on a shelf near the piano there is pictures of me as a little boy. Maybe my father in his heart, in his depth, never left me, but constantly kept a relationship to the best of his ability  and capacity, -by now an again looking at those pictures of me.
Someone told me carry a picture of yourself as a kid and look at it everyday, and give a moment to your self and that innocence.

Deep emotions trapped inside, frozen under deep ice can melt away if you embrace the spring and the awareness of your heart. A part of my spring came when I managed to put some words together and express this to my father.

TFather

Many years ago you left us be on your way,
And still to this day you don’t have much to say

So much pain you left just because
You seemed to deny that you been its cause

Its been hard to be left not even with a word so far behind
We have been struggling to find some peace of mind

Maybe you on some level also suffer much inside
Cause we all know its exhausting to hide

Deeply I believe that everybody seek to acknowledge what has been done, 
cause no one truly wants to live a life on the run

Maybe that’s why I see a lack of presence in your eyes
Being present you would uncover the lies

Today I have left the prison you trapped me in for so many years
The pain of being lost have brought me so many tears

You have not done much to help me escape, but with love and support I have changed my fate
 
I can finally see, I am no longer blind
What was yours, was yours it was not mine

I have lived like a fool. A hobo and humiliated young broken man
Now I know that much of my pain is related to a fathers dishonorable hand

My honor was taken forsaken by you, but now I retrieve it I stand up for whats true

Finally out of my chains I stand up from my knees
Iam here to deliver your unpaid fees

Now Iam the sheriff and you the most wanted, and you can keep on running but you will always be haunted

Now we have tried with my efforts to bring some repair
To bridge our relation from an abyss of denial and despair

What is done its done, and whats lost will never be again,
But  much help is given when we can face that as men

I love you so much even though you been so far away
I guess I must thank you, for my unconventional character and way

When we seek compassion, and try to understand,
That which was broken can be can be healed by willing hand

So don’t shrug your shoulders an look to the side,
Feel your heart and look me right in the eye

So father I guess you and I we will start from here
Now that we have been honest, and faced our fear

Father, many years ago you just walked away,
And still to this day you have nothing to say







tisdag 15 maj 2012

A Road of Faith

The time has come to tend to the seed that was planted about a year ago. An explosion of creativity and divine madness possessed me and this summer my intention is to follow up with that seed of inspiration.
One be wise, to stay silent as one start the process of embracing any endeavor since it demands so much focus and one cannot really afford to invite scattered thoughts, distractions and others strangling opinions.
It is best to rest within the great mystery since it is that mystery that holds all the seeds of creativity and its by humbly working with those forces that one may find oneself discovering the path that one has embarked upon.


Another chapter of the book of life has started, and I must be brave and have faith to arrive at whatever this destination will come to be.


The intention is there but I will have to conquer habits and suffocating logic and surrender to faith taking refuge in the creative process. Being anchored by more than limiting beliefs and fearful ways willing to go were this adventure will take me courageous enough to face whatever it will present on my path.
May the winds be on my back upon this journey and may the gods and will of heaven bring me safe to the unknown shores that awaits beyond the horizon.

Unfortunate and fortunate events have brought my inner world to be vivid and full of life. 
Just like our fingerprints that are making each of us unique,- we all have inner gifts and treasures we are called to seek out through the art of self discovery. In a mainstream world that many times treat us more like manufactured products than souls with purpose and longing, we can at times feel so overwhelmed that we start to die to our inner worlds, hang up on our souls calling, embracing mediocrity until there is nothing more to us to be found than an empty rusty shell of the person we once was.

The sum of who we are, the totality of our experiences, the fortunes and misfortunes becomes our solid character if we allow our self to accept and embrace who we are. It becomes our medicine. 
Our gift that we share with the world around us. Our relationship to everything we have experienced and everything around us becomes what determine our way of life and how we participate in our own life process. 

Some people have what appears to be more a more challenging life path than others, and many things cannot be even grasped without looking through the eyes of eternity or getting a flash from a birdview perspective to calm our inner turmoil as we walk along the path of life.
Some say the law of cause and effect are what brought us here and that the answers lies in the hidden and unseen and we are all called to remember, being invited to fully accept our life and take full responsibility wherever we are along our journey.


The wise ones say that there is no mainstream answers to our conditions except from our own ability to find our own answers within. That might not always be encouraged in a time when our outside world is held as religion with a fanatic grip. Our communion with the divine, ourselves, the creator, the great mystery, might be what we are longing for and what hold the answers we week... but at the same time we do everything to resist and avoid the very thing we need, haunted by our fears of the unknown.


With no respect for the mystery that enfolds us, that lies within us, the very thing that clenches our thirst are dried up into a desert land where nothing lives but our own waste.


Wasting away in our waste...and the empty space we seek to fill, we fill with everything but our own awareness and embodiment.

Walk into the unknown, dare to face the great mystery with faith even though you might be sacrificed transformed, believe in the path and that it leads you were it needs to go against all odds...
and know that whatever happens you will rise from your own ashes.

Much love,..

May the Gods Be with us, and may we be backed by magic and mystery,
even though we turned our backs on the very thing that nourish us long time ago...

I have spoken.













Echos from the New Year...

It feels like a long time since I sat down and allowed a dance of words to express itself through my being.
I celebrated the end of 2011 in sacred ceremony and was blessed enough to visit both the Navajo and the Hopi Indian reservation. At times I feel like white man with a native spirit. Despite of all devastation and the challenges this indigenous people have been through, one could feel the spirit in the air. I must say that is somewhat unbelievable.

Maybe that is something subjective just for me. I understand that people are inclined to resonate with different things, but I certainly have a some feeling of reverence for this earth based people who have gone through so many trials just because they did not fit into white mans world. 
As white man define the rules of the game and as we all sit in the bankers laps, watching TV enjoying a culture of death as many have called it, trying to entertain ourselves with our own self-destruction one cannot help to wonder if this indigenous ones had medicine for our starving souls. 
Maybe they had something to share, if we would have taken the time to silent our busy minds and for a moment try to see the world through their eyes and practiced the art of listening.

I don’t think our "divide and conquer" in the name of western civilization fueled by imperialism had much time for their way of perception. To white man it seems outdated as he brags about technology and made his science into a religion, and made a Wallmart icon out of Jesus traveling around the world forcing people his intrepretation whet ever ever they like it or not.
 It all seem very strange this fundamental materialism, like it is rooted out of deep fears.
This thinking in boxes andsquares seems to have left white man stripped of his own wisdom dreaming a dream of seeking instant gratification fueled by endless greed. He is at war, maybe not only with life, nature, god, and himself...he turned his culture into a battle field.  
Iam assuming that from the observation of the people he reduced to savages, he must clearly be the greatest savage of all,...even though he is a well groomed and dressed savage.

Cracking his head open might be the only way for him to land in his heart and drink some of its coconut juices. His only hope seem to be to crack "his thinking head open" to get an experince that would change his unrooted dream. Some say it is all and evolution of consciousness and we grow as we learn. Lets hope we grow and learn and maybe even find ourselves before we kill ourselves and our planet.

We are all swimming in this soup of conditions passed on from generations, and opportunities to reflect is most often only initiated through suffering, death, loss, disease or some other disaster that makes our own world crumble.
At times a rare awakening or a relationship can provide some self inquiry but it seems that more often our opportunity to reflect of our own existence is limited and replaced by the modern worlds daily demands.

We are consumers living out our lives and real values of responsibility, wisdom, maturity, enlightenment, self-knowledge, connection, healthy relationships and building character can quite easily disappear in a sea of distractions. Maybe this whole labyrinth we created for ourselves is the design for a challenging journey to self discovery?

As I hurry through life on my journey to death I try to enjoy myself. I guess we all do our best to do just that as we are killing time on this spinning globe somewhere in space trying our best to carve a meaning of our lives.

In a movie I saw recently with the name HUGO one of the statements that stayed with me from that film was...a man without a purpose is a broken machine.

Maybe that is true. That is why I have tried to find the missing pieces just like the kid in the movie so I could heal my purpose. Maybe we all is on that journey knowingly or unknowingly.

Some people are lucky enough to live, breath and embody their purpose. They can be hard to find.
But when we find such a person they seem to radiate and they are very inspiring to be around.

Before we pop into this existence called the journey of life Iam sure we got some guidelines and warnings. Just like an astronaut voyaging into space, we were probably prepared.

Some one probably said to us. -"Its not gonna be easy..."

and here we are dealing with the dirt of life saying to ourselves "...but no one said it was going to be this hard."

Well here we are with the gift of life 2012. Lets enjoy the ride while it last...

I have spoken,